People mean a lot of things when they talk about motivating kids. On the one hand, they may be talking about an apathetic kid, no passion for anything (see the column from last week). On the other hand, parents may mean their kid isn’t motivated to do what THEY want them to do.

Maybe their kid is lazy (e.g., generally has a lackadaisical attitude about things that require effort) or not very ambitious (e.g., fine with Cs, content to be second string, etc.)?

Kids may be motivated by the wrong things (e.g., those damnable video games) or their priorities may be in the wrong place (e.g., working as many hours as possible for money, improving their long board tricks, etc.).

They may also have reached a point where actual effort is required to succeed after a history of easy success. It ain’t easy to get this turned around. Nevertheless, there are some strategies that will help increase your kid’s motivation to do something they don’t like, don’t consider important, or won’t make the time for.

Structure. Start by clarifying expectations, elaborating the benefits of fulfilling these expectations and identifying the costs of not meeting the standards you set. Be clear and specific about what you expect from them in the area under discussion (e.g., maintaining a particular GPA, participate in an extra curricular activity, get a job, exercise, get a hobby, etc.). Establish the minimum expectations for time spent (e.g., hours/week), a start time (e.g., you have 2 weeks to pick something otherwise, I’ll pick something for you) and what will happen if they back out or get themselves removed from the activity (e.g., fired from the job, drop out of the sport, drop below the expected GPA, etc.).

Structure helps with problems your kid may have with organization, initiation, self-discipline, and persistence. You are going to provide an external incentive since they don’t have an intrinsic interest in the task or activity. This is sometimes referred to as lighting a fire under them.

Goals. Be sure to set reasonable expectations. If you set the bar too high, then your kid will have failure to add to a lack of motivation. It is best to have what are called “process goals” rather than “performance goals.” Expect them to put in effort and develop some skills from involvement in the task or activity. Don’t start out expecting them to make first team at a sport, straight As in school, or master an extremely difficult rollerblade trick. (Remember, we are talking about a kid who is not already achieving. The expectations would likely be more ambitious for a kid who is already motivated.)

They will need to have some early success so how you define success will be crucial to this experience.

Choice. Even though you are imposing these expectations on your kid (granted, for their own good), you are still meddling in their life. Give your kid as much choice as possible within that framework. Keep them involved in the process from beginning to end. Other than your broadly defined expectations, make everything else negotiable.

If you are requiring them to study, let them set the time and the location. If they must play a sport, let them pick the sport (and be open minded, skate boarding can fit the criteria when you require competition). Have them set their own goals in the tasks you are requiring them to perform.

When you give kids a say in something that involves them, even when they are being required to do it, they will feel more ownership; every little bit helps. Collaboration helps kids learn how to articulate their preferences and desires, assert their opinions, negotiate, and effectively resolve disagreements even when they are frustrated.

Trade off. If your kid is fulfilling expectations you have for them because it is important to you then find a way to make an equitable trade in supporting another area that is important to them. If you are requiring them to make better grades, make sure they also get to spend time at things that really interested them. It’s like saying “I know you are doing this because I am making you so I’ll make sure you have time for things that matter to you, too.” Trade offs reduce some of the resentment about being put through a living hell by the man (e.g., that way their life is just MOSTLY a living hell).

Relevance. Your kid may not realize why you are trying to ruin their life by making them actually commit to something and work to accomplish it. Be sure to help them understand the relevance of this horrible intrusion into their freedom of choice to be a vegetable at your expense (though it is probably best to edit out the sarcasm). Relevance helps kids get the big picture and to see how their daily life is linked to their future.

Encouragement. Enthusiasm is contagious. If you have a kid who is unmotivated, they will need a lot of encouragement and support. Act like you are curious. Be interested. Be positive. (Don’t be annoyingly chipper though.) Your interest in and optimism about what they are doing (but not how YOU would do it) can serve as a substitute for their lack of interest, confidence, or optimism.

Companionship. Misery loves company. Some kids develop interests because of the interests of their peers. Look for team- or group-based activities for your kid. If their friends are involved in something, see what you can do to get your kid involved too. You may have to be their miserable company if you can’t find anyone else to do your dirty work for you.

Companionship helps kids have an alternative motive for continued participation when things get frustrating or difficult.

Supervision. Since your kid is not intrinsically motivated to engage in the task or activity, it will be important for you to keep an eye on their efforts. Stay as far in the background as possible. Monitor from a distance; stepping in only when things stall or your kid tries to back out.

Supervision helps you be a resource when things get difficult as well as an external motivator for your kid to keep at it.

Expertise. It is important to encourage your kid to develop real skills. Being good at something is motivating. Consider requiring them to excel in something; an “A” in a specific subject, athletic skill (though not necessarily excellence) in a sport, mastery of a musical instrument, greater responsibility at work, knowledge about mechanical repairs, etc.

Self confidence is built, in part, on the presence of real skills and competence in one area of your life.

Acknowledgment. It will be important for your kid to know that you recognize their sacrifice for something you consider important for them (but that they didn’t want to do). Mention how much you appreciate their efforts. Don’t require them to act excited, even when they begin to be successful. YOU can be excited but just leave it at that. This means don’t say things like “See, I told you you could do it” or “You know you like this.”

Be glad they are taking it seriously even though it wasn’t their choice (e.g., “I am very proud of you for really trying even though it wasn’t something you were interested in.”).

Rewards. The best kind of reinforcement for your kid trying hard is your pride, admiration, and appreciation of their efforts (rather than focusing on whether they “won”). If you use traditional reinforcers (e.g., money, concrete compensation for their efforts, etc.) you are likely to undermine any natural interest your kid might develop in the activity or task.

One exception can be recognizing a period of particular difficulty by providing some special celebration (e.g., a desired meal, video game, equipment for some other area of interest, etc.).

Punishment. Using punishment as a motivator for unmotivated kids is risky. Ideally, you will want to motivate by structuring their time, encouraging them, and supervising their efforts. Save punishment for direct defiance (e.g., refusing to do the task or activity at all). Notice this is because they are defying you not because of the quality of their efforts at the task.

More to the point, make other enjoyable activities dependent upon your kid doing the required task or activity. As a parent, you need to make decisions about what will prepare your kid to be self-sufficient adults. This is one of these things. They don’t have to like it. They don’t have to agree. They do have to mind you.

Surrender. Know when to stop. Identify the criteria for when your kid can stop trying (e.g., obtain a specified level of expertise, finish the season, participation for a specific period of time, etc.). Sometimes, the activity is just not a good fit (or you have a kid who is resistant to the extreme). They can’t be good at everything. Some things are just not interesting.

Make sure you require your kid to pursue a task or activity long enough to get past the learning “plateau” (i.e., the period between developing basic skills and developing competence at the task). For many adolescent skills this will require 6-12 months of persistent, repetitious practice. Make sure you express your admiration and gratitude that they were willing to give it a try. Then, move on to some other activity.

OK, quick summary: Set the parameters for what you expected from your kid. Make sure there is as much room as possible for personalizing the activity or task. Stay close and connected so that you can transmit interest and enthusiasm until they find their own intrinsic interest (if they every do).

The information presented in this column is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. You should always seek the advice of a qualified mental health professional or other qualified health care provider with any questions you have regarding a psychological, behavioral or medical condition.