Identifying teen's 'praiseworthy qualities' important
Second of a two-part series on Praising Teens
Once you have a general idea about how to effectively praise your adolescent (see Part 1), it helps to know what to actually praise.  The key is to find ways to build your kid up by encouragement and support regardless of their ultimate success or failure at a task.  The basic distinctions to make in what you compliment, praise or encourage is to focus on:

• things your kid can influence by their actions (instead of attributes that they have or don’t have)
• identifying the positive (instead of pointing out the negative)
• building on successes (versus pointing out failures)
• pursuing personal goals (instead of external pressures, motives or shoulds/oughts/musts)
• the WAY they have done something (instead of just the outcome)
• mastery in the form of knowledge and skill acquisition (instead of performance in the form of grades or victories)
• important values and character traits (instead of success at any cost)

Success.  Praising success and excellence is important and rather straight forward.  It is typically its own reward.  If you stop at praising a desired outcome (i.e., success), you miss the opportunity to highlight other qualities you will want your kid to develop and you risk your kid thinking the only thing that matters to you is success (regardless of how it is attained). 

Here are some praiseworthy qualities exhibited by your teen that are relevant whatever the final outcome. 

Effort.  One thing that kids control is how hard they work to complete a task.  More importantly, effort has a direct impact on success; the harder you work, the more likely you are to succeed.  This makes it an ideal focus for praise.  Praise your kid either for overall effort (e.g., “You really worked hard on that paper.”) or for their effort on particular components of a task (e.g., “I was impressed by how you put everything away after you finished with the yard work [even though the lawn looks like it has the mange once you finished].”).  Note: bracketed remarks are better left unsaid. 

Skill.  This is a tricky area to target for praise.  Skill is a combination of practice and talent.  The talent part is a natural ability.  If you praise kids for innate abilities or qualities (like talent or physical attractiveness or exceptional intelligence), it can lead to their attributing success or competence to a quality they can’t do anything about (e.g., talent) rather than to something they do or don’t do (e.g., practice).  You don’t want them relying on talent, you want them focusing on practice.  So, try to separate out the talent part from the acquired skill part for praise.  “I can remember when you fell every time you tried that kickflip.  All that work you put in on it has paid off.”  [not “You are so coordinated (a talent) those tricks just seem to come easy to you.]  “You’ve gotten to where you don’t even hesitate when you have to solve polynomials.  All that time you spent practicing sure has made a difference.”  [not “You’re just a math whiz.”]

Character.  Character is a particularly praiseworthy quality.  You want your kid to be thinking in terms of character when they make decisions in life.  It is an important factor in every kind of task.  It also forms the foundation for a meaningful and satisfying life.  Create a list of the most important morals or character traits you want to encourage in your kid to keep them fresh in your mind.  Integrity, responsibility, compassion, kindness, honor, honesty, generosity, courage, hard work, leadership; the list can go on and on.  Find ways to praise your kid for showing these character traits.  “I am very impressed by the way you took responsibility for getting the house straightened up without my having to say anything.”  “Even though I am furious about this grade, I want you to know that I would have been even madder if you had tried to cheat to get a grade you didn’t earn.  In a weird sort of way, I’m proud of you for getting an honest F even though your butt is going to be at that table every night from now until the next test to bring that grade up!” 

Initiative.  Taking initiative is a double edged sword.  On the one hand, it is an important quality for your kid to make things happen.  On the other hand, your kid can really screw things up if they try to help out without knowing what they are doing.  Like skill, you may have to separate out the intent (e.g., seeing something that needs doing and trying to take care of it) from the outcome (e.g., destroying, breaking, or ruining it).  “Thanks for taking your dirty dishes back to the kitchen without my having to remind you.  It means a lot to me.”  “I appreciate your wanting to help me out by trying to fix the toaster, son; I really do.  [Our homeowners insurance will probably pay for most of the damage].” 

Persistence.  Kids need encouragement to keep striving in the face of obstacles, hurtles, or outright failure.  Praising your kid for continuing to try when things are going badly is an important way to make it difficult for them to quit.  “I’m really glad you are not giving up on this.  I know it is frustrating.”  “Even though this didn’t turn out like you wanted, I am very proud that you kept working on it right to the end.” 

Risk taking.  Taking calculated risks is an important part of an interesting life.  There are times when your kid will need encouragement to reach for something requiring a real stretch that could result in them falling flat on their face.  Give your kid the encouragement and recognition they need for taking the right kind of chances.  “I can’t believe you actually tried out!  That was awesome!”  “I am so sorry she turned you down.  It was SO worth the risk.  You just never know.”

Caveats.  Praise works best in combination with other kinds of feedback.  It is, ideally, part of a more complex combination of praise, support, encouragement, evaluation, constructive criticism, and even disappointment.  Also, be careful about trying to make your kid feel better by blaming things on other people (e.g., “It’s all politics.” “He just didn’t like you.”) or other things (e.g., “It was just an off day for you.” “The sun was in your eyes.”).  There are times when you just don’t measure up.  Those are the times to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.  (Do I hear a song coming on?)  The appropriate response is to sympathize with their disappointment, say “That sucks”, and help them figure out what they can learn from the experience that will benefit them in the future (but not right after they have suffered a devastating failure or rejection).

Motivating kids through fear of judgment, failure, humiliation, shame or the displeasure of others leads to poorer quality work, the death of creativity, lack of personal enjoyment and investment in a task, loss of intrinsic interest, and feelings of anxiety and inadequacy.  Kids can end up giving up altogether or discarding those pesky morals that interfere with winning at any cost (i.e., if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em).  Praising your teen for how to do well is a valuable role you play in shaping their future successes. 

Dr. Wellborn is a child, adolescent, and family psychologist with a private practice in Brentwood. More information can be found about Dr. Wellborn by visiting his website at www.JamesGWellbornPhD.com. Click here to see his recent columns.