“Thank you so much, sweetheart! You are such a smart girl! That wasn’t too much trouble, was it? I am soooo lucky to have a kid like you. Here, take this $20 and go buy yourself something to make you look pretty.”

Praising your kids is curiously complicated. Praise is the most effective way to generate and sustain your kid’s internal motivation to complete a task. It helps kids identify what parents think is most important. It makes you feel good. It can also be a sign that you think someone isn’t quite up to the task (“That was really good, honey” as though you were surprised). It can be taken as an insult (“Who knew you could add and subtract?”). It can cause a kid to focus on personal qualities that interfere with future success (“You are so pretty” “You are so smart”). It can give your kid an unrealistic self perception (“You are the most wonderful person in the whole, wide world”).

Be positive. Praise begins with providing positive and productive feedback that communicates approval (e.g., “I really like that.”), information (e.g., “You got that one right.”), admiration (e.g., “I’m impressed!”), compliments (e.g., “You did a really good job of proving your point in that paper.”) and encouragement (e.g., “Keep at it. This is really coming along well.”). Avoid offering backhanded praise (“That wasn’t the worst performance I’ve ever seen”). It’s funny but not very supportive. (Unless you are a highly trained mental health professional in which case you can strike that delicate balance between soul crushing sarcasm and warm, supportive humor. Right, honey?)

Be sincere. Kids can tell when you don’t mean what you say so be sure your praise is genuine. Fake pride or false admiration can send the message that you think your kid is kind of a loser who needs boosting up. Find real behaviors or qualities to praise. If you can’t seem to find anything praiseworthy in your kid it is time to get them involved in something they can excel at (and consider consulting to gather some suggestions).

Be specific. Praise is most effective when it is specific. “You did a really good job of picking up all the clothes in your room.” “I really liked the way you described the main character in your paper.” When parents praise their kids using broad, general statements (e.g., “That was a great paper.” “You are such a smart kid.”), their kids can end up dismissing the praise as just something said to make them feel better. Or, worse, they may believe those general statements leading to trouble down the road when the statements turn out to be wrong. (e.g., the teacher may disagree with you on the greatness of the paper, your kid is unlikely to be smart in every life domain).

So try indentifying individual instances of excellence that focus on content, effort, persistence in the face of challenges, completion, creativity, morality, personal character traits or early promise of later excellence. It also helps to focus on individual parts of a larger product or steps in a process since waiting for the final product may take too long (or not end up as successful as you might like).

Praise behavior not your kid. Focus your praise on things your kid can control like working hard, persistence, improvement, learning, etc. One formula that captures this idea is represented by the words “that is” rather than “you are” (e.g., “That is really interesting.” versus “You are really creative.”).

Tell them why. Adding an explanation of why something is praiseworthy to the feedback enables your kid to know what you want them to repeat in the future. It also makes it clear that you have paid attention to what they were doing. Keep in mind that telling them what is praiseworthy is not the same as telling them why they should do well or excel. Saying that their work is admirable because they need to really do well in this class otherwise they will never get into college will be likely to generate anxiety and unhelpful pressure to perform. (A discussion of helpful pressure to perform is the topic for another column.)

Focus on internal standards. The developmental goal for your child is to continue growing and improving. The best comparison for praise is their own past performance, skill level, aspiration or ambition (e.g., “You know, you are getting much better at summarizing the stories you have read. You used to have much more trouble with that.”). Not whether they are better than other kids.

Keep it realistic. Your kid doesn’t have to be any further along than they are. Progress builds on a realistic view of their current level of mastery so don’t exaggerate their competence or abilities. If you praise them for something that is beyond their capability, failure is right around the corner. Either they will think they know more than they do or they know they don’t measure up and feel pressure to try to fake it. Both paths can lead to blaming others and avoiding challenges.

No “but”s. “I am so proud of how hard you worked on that project but you could have . . .” Combining praise with correction, criticism or even suggestions can strip the praise of its meaning. Group all the praiseworthy statements together. Then, and only then, talk about improvements, additions, inadequacies, alternatives, shortcomings, etc. This keeps the “needs improvement” portion of your talk from poisoning the “praise” part.

Let some things pass. Make your praise count. You don’t need to find the silver lining in every single cloud. Kids don’t need to be praised all the time. Take some successes for granted. If you are constantly searching for something to praise, it can cause your kid to become self conscious. They can also begin to expect to be praised for things they should just be doing as a matter of course. Kids need to be able to make their way in the world without someone constantly telling them how wonderful they are. On the other hand . . .

5-to-1. Strong, healthy relationships are characterized by a ratio of 5 positive interactions for every negative interaction. Praise is one kind of positive interaction with your kid (though not the only kind). Keep an informal tally of the ratio of compliments, praise, and agreements to corrections, arguments and criticisms. If it drops below the 5-to-1 ratio, you’ve got some work to do.

Praise, don’t pay. Letting your kid know about your pride, admiration and appreciation is much more powerful than paying them for desirable behavior. Paying them for success has been found to have a funny way of actually undermining their natural interest to do well. When the money runs out, so does their effort. So, pay them for manual labor not for doing their best (or obligations like grades, chores, etc.).

Normalize failure. Kids need to struggle. They need to fail sometimes so don’t sugar coat it (“Yeah, you really blew that one! What are you going to do about it?”). Make sure they know that trying and coming up short is part of life. Help them use failure or struggles as information about areas that need more attention.

Praise them for the qualities you want them to exhibit. Praise is a very effective way to let your kid know what is important to you. Be sure to praise them for the qualities you value. Look for the smallest indication and comment on it (e.g., “You know, I noticed how considerate you were of your brother yesterday when he was upset.”). Kids will become, in part, what you expect them to be. Focus on larger issues to praise within a particular task (i.e., character traits, morality, setting goals and working to achieve them, etc.).

Now all you have to do is integrate each of these concepts together into a brief, spontaneous response and your kid will turn out to be perfect. (Either way, as everyone knows, it’ll be all your fault.)

The information presented in this column is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. You should always seek the advice of a qualified mental health professional or other qualified health care provider with any questions you have regarding a psychological, behavioral or medical condition.