They’ve nagged. They’ve whined. They’ve schmoozed. Desperation oozes from every pore. A child turning 15 years old is (yet another) parent’s worst nightmare. The dreaded Learner's Permit.

With no clear rites of passage in our culture, obtaining a Learner's Permit and then the Driver's License takes on mythical significance. Freedom. Independence. The open road. This may be one explanation of why motor vehicle accidents are the leading cause of death for teens. Add passengers in the car and you increase the risk of fatal accidents. On the other hand, a kid who can drive is a great advantage. They aren’t the only ones who obtain a little freedom.

So let’s say you are crazy enough to consider allowing your kid to take the first step toward getting behind the wheel of a car by obtaining a permit. How can you help them develop the awareness and skills needed to develop into a responsible and safe driver?

Start early. It helps if you have begun to nag, harass and lecture them about the dangers of driving before they even get their permit. (You need ad least a two-year head start so let’s say around 13.) This includes beginning to talk about the serious responsibility represented by the privilege of driving, pointing out examples of good and bad driving when traveling together in the car and quizzing them about what they would do in driving situations you encounter. For reasons discussed later, have your kid make suggestions if they notice potential hazards (or careless driving on your part).

Practice with vehicles they already operate. If your kid has a motorized vehicle (e.g., dirt bike, go cart, golf cart, riding lawn mower, etc.), require them to be a responsible operator and tie it directly to the opportunity for them to drive a vehicle in the future. (Bicycles, rollerblades, and skateboards will also work.) Consider giving them a mock driver’s exam with a test of driving skills for the use of the vehicle. It is funny and makes a point, especially if you “revoke their license” for reckless driving or the violations of rules of the road.

Model responsible driving. It is also a good idea for you to do a quick review of your own driving habits. You know: set an example, avoid hypocrisy and all that.

Familiarize yourself with Tennessee driver license laws. Tennessee has a graduated driver’s license law with restrictions based on age, curfew, passengers, and violations of driving laws (http://www.state.tn.us/safety/driverlicense/gdl.htm). This will provide the starting point for expectations about driving and the use of your vehicle. The high points are driving between the ages of 15 and 18 comes with restricted driving hours, initial restrictions on the number of passengers in the car, presence of an adult licensed driver, consequences for motor vehicle accidents or moving violations and mandatory seat belt use. Your kid should be familiar with these requirements which mean you will also need to know them.

Establish criteria to obtain a Learner's Permit

Dedicated time studying for the exam. They can’t take the exam until they can pass parent administered test with 90% accuracy. It’s a waste of time to take the test if they haven’t studied and they need to indicate to you that they take this seriously. Study with them. Use driving time to teach practical lessons (e.g., when you come to a four-way stop…).

Grade point average of B or higher. Most insurance companies provide a good student discount for insuring licensed drivers. Even though your kid can have a Learner Permit without being insured, grades equal money when they get a license. Get them used to the idea that this will be one of the criteria for driving when they obtain a license.

Create a graduated pPermit. Think in terms of gradually exposing your kid to the conditions they will encounter as a licensed driver.

New Learners. Begin by allowing only the two of you in the vehicle. No passengers. No radio. No distractions. Progression to the next level of responsibility is earned once they automatically demonstrate good driving habits. This would begin with pre-ignition checklists (e.g., seat belt, adjusting seat and mirrors, checking to make sure passengers are wearing seat belts, etc.). It would also include safe driving habits (e.g., full stop at stop signs, accurately identify posted speed limit, stop for yellow lights rather than gunning it, driving the speed limit at all times, maintaining proper distance from other vehicles, courteous driving behavior, empathic rather than angry reactions to discourteous drivers, not running into the garage every time they back out, etc.).

They should be comfortable behind the wheel and you should have little to say about their driving before moving to the Experienced Learner phase.

Experienced Learners. Experienced learners should demonstrate driving behaviors you would expect from them as a licensed driver. Introduce distractions at this phase; radio, a sibling as a passenger, suddenly screaming at the top of your lungs (just kidding). If the quality of their driving slips, take them back to the New Learner phase for at least two weeks. It might be the distractions, it may be overconfidence. Regardless, driving is serious business. By the end of this phase, you should be confident that your kid would be a responsible driver without you in the vehicle.

Develop Driving Safety Skills

It is useful to give your kid experience dealing with a number of threats to safe driving. When they get to the Experienced Learner phase, inform them that you will be randomly testing their ability to drive safely under a variety of circumstances. Be sure to let them know that you will be doing this; it’s not a good idea to just spring it on them. You actually want them to succeed. Note: initially introduce these distractions in less stressful driving situations (e.g., not on the expressway at 70 mph).

Distraction. Turn on the radio. Gasp and act like you are about to be killed in a head on collision (something my wife tests me on to this day). Have a sibling act annoying (without touching the driver). Get mad at them about something. Nag them. Continue just past the point they appear to be affected. They should be able to stay focused in the face of these distractions.

Disruption. Reach for the steering wheel. Grab their arm. Do things that will actually disrupt their driving. (Do I need to add practice these with caution?) Have them drive off the shoulder of the road and then steer back onto the pavement. (Again, practice this very slowly at first and then build up to faster speed.) They should have experience responding to things that directly disrupt their driving.

Incitement. Make suggestions that require violating safe driving practices. Try to get them to run a yellow light. Try to get them to hurry up. This one will be more likely to be a farce but it will make the point.

Skillful copiloting. Require your kid to notice when you are violating safe driving principles. Research suggests that kids will reign in their driving in response to pressure from a same age passengers. Make this skill an explicit part of your kid’s driver training. They should notice unsafe driving and learn how to suggest safer driving.

Review your kid’s reactions to the challenges you presented after the drive. Make sure they have developed some effective responses including how to tell passengers to back off. This might even require stopping the vehicle to make their point. You will learn a lot about your kid’s readiness to deal with challenges when driving. The development of these coping skills could be life saving. Be sure to have fun with it; the lessons will still be effective.

Amateur Defensive Driver Training Course. One final skill to develop is responding to unexpected events that occur outside of the vehicle. Find an isolated area that can mimic paved road conditions (e.g., unused parking lot, paved street in an uninhabited housing development, etc.). You will need two or three large rubber garbage cans, tennis balls, stuffed animal and water balloons or water guns. The objective is to have your kid operate the vehicle under distracting or dangerous road conditions. These lessons are lots of fun. You can even gather several friends together to put them all through their paces.

Developing a feel for the vehicle. Set up the trash cans so that your kid has to swerve in between them. Have them start out slowly. Increase speed so that they develop some confidence in handling the vehicle if they have to swerve suddenly. Then, set a couple of the trash cans up and have your kid accelerate toward them and then brake at the last moment. The goal is to get as close as possible to the trash cans without hitting them. Finally, have a couple people get behind the trash cans lined up along the street. One of you will toss the stuffed animal out in front of the vehicle requiring a sudden stop. Help them get a feel for braking suddenly and how far the car travels at different speeds.

Responding to sudden noises. As your experienced learner drives by, throw tennis balls at the side of the vehicle. The goal is to give them experience with hearing sudden, loud noises without reacting.

Losing visibility. You and their siblings are going to throw water balloons or shoot water guns at the windshield as they drive by. This will give your kid some experience responding to a sudden loss of visibility. (Be careful. Inexperienced people tend to jerk the wheel when the water hits. Don’t want any accidents.)

The Learner's Permit provides a controlled opportunity to help your kid begin to develop more skill and confidence in their driving. Have them go slow and earn it. The sooner they get their license, the sooner someone is going to have to start paying through the nose to insure them. Next week the topic will be parenting your licensed driver.

The information presented in this column is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. You should always seek the advice of a qualified mental health professional or other qualified health care provider with any questions you have regarding a psychological, behavioral or medical condition.