You can see it in their eyes. You can hear it in their voice. The hesitancy, the anxiety, the fear that keeps them from putting themselves out there, taking that risk for something they really want, overcoming an obstacle. Most parents are faced with the challenge of helping their kid develop self confidence or recover from a blow to it. Kids benefit from the general belief in their capacity to effectively accomplish goals, complete tasks and adapt to challenges. 

While self confidence isn’t necessary for accomplishments (luck, arrogance, fear, habit, ambition, interest, survival, love, guilt can also drive success), it underlies a stable, legitimate sense of self-regard and respect; a true sense of independence; and an expectation that good things will come from working toward personal goals. Self-confidence shows in a kid. 

 

So, what are some of the experiences that build a kid’s self confidence?

 

Success. Nothing makes you feel self-confident like succeeding. On the other hand, the success has to be genuine and based on actual accomplishments. Make sure there is some area in your kid’s life where they experience success.

 

Accurate, BALANCED feedback. If all your kid gets is the message that they are great and able to do anything, they are heading for a fall. If all they hear is what else needs improvement, they will have trouble rising up. Self-confidence comes from a clear recognition of strengths and weaknesses. Comment on their strengths and progress. Provide constructive criticism (but only if you have also provided specific, genuine praise first). Avoid shaming at all costs (e.g., “At this rate, you’ll never amount to anything!”); wounds deeply, never helps. 

 

Encouraging risk taking. Appropriate risk taking feeds self-confidence in the pursuit of goals. When risks pay off, self-confidence increases. Encourage your kid to challenge themselves. Find experiences that stretch their abilities and give them a nudge. Following your dream always involves a risk (and hard work, if you expect to succeed). 

 

Real accomplishments. Self confidence must be based on actually accomplishing something. Reaching goals that require effort and persistence help kids feel more self-confident. Arrange for your kid to make real accomplishments. Don’t let your them quit before they have completed a task or sufficiently mastered a skill. 

 

Meeting and overcoming challenges. Few goals worth pursuing are achieved without having to overcome obstacles along the way. As kids meet and conquer challenges, their self-confidence grows. You can help them out by talking about failure and why it is important. Don’t let them shrink from challenges. Help them think through ways they can deal with setbacks and obstacles as well as outright failures.

 

Commitment to something larger. Your kid will need to have a broader perspective on life to be truly self-confident. A kid whose self-confidence is based on success in a single area of life is headed for a fall. Devote some time to their spiritual development. Help them understand that a meaningful life can take infinite forms but requires productive work.   

 

Responsibility. It is difficult to be self-confident if someone is always taking care of things for you. The confidence part is based on knowing you can do for your self.   Problem solve WITH them, not for them. Ask their opinion (as though you think their views are relevant). Require them to be personally responsibility for their decisions and actions. 

 

Real skills. Self-confident kids don’t have to know how to do everything well but they do need to be able to do at least a couple of things very well. Being able to say “At least I’m good at _____” can help protect a bruised ego when success eludes them in the pursuit of other goals. Point out your kid’s strengths. Get them involved in activities that require persistence and the development of skills. 

 

Failure. Failure is a crucial part of learning rather than a sign of impossibility, inadequacy or inability. It is one of the most important kinds of feedback on the road to success. Self-confident kids need to be able to take something meaningful from failures to adjust and adapt in the future. Communicate a sense of optimism and confidence that they will overcome. Stand with them; show solidarity. Express pride in their taking the risk to fail. While self-confidence is about independence, that doesn’t mean being alone. Let your kid know you are with them and for them even if you can’t (or won’t) do it for them. 

 

Attributing failure to lack of effort. If your kid thinks they failed because they didn’t try hard enough, the solution is in their power. If, on the other hand, your kid thinks failure was because of luck or that they just didn’t have the natural ability or because someone else kept them from succeeding, get ready for the possibility that your kid will sit down in the road (and whine). Analyze lack of success in terms of what they might have done or done differently. (Be careful not to attribute acts of God to effort. That creates a whole other set of problems. If your kid really couldn’t do anything about it, THAT needs to be acknowledged too. Sometimes, stuff happens. And, not everyone is an Olympic athlete.) 

 

Strong values system. Morals hold us accountable. They provide the scaffolding that supports and guides our actions. Honesty, integrity, kindness, courage, persistence, generosity, responsibility, honor; talk often about the important virtues. Have that be one of the sources of self-confidence for your kid (e.g., “At least I stand by my principles!”).