The 'on' button's just the start when it comes to computers
The only thing more unreasonably stubborn than a computer is an old superannuated mule on our farm.

In retirement, I had to type my own correspondence and using a typewriter proved much more difficult than I had remembered.  It soon became clear that I needed a computer at least for word processing.

My nephew had replaced his laptop that winter and gave me his old one as a Christmas gift (a hand-me-up).  After Christmas it sat for a day or two, sleeping in its case waiting for the touch of a human hand.

“Computers can’t be too difficult.  Everyone is using them all over the world and even children operate them,” I reasoned as I tentatively opened it.  “This is not so hard.  There’s the ‘On’ button.”

I pressed it and suddenly, the “Windows” logo appeared on the screen, followed by several rows of little icons.  One said, “My Computer” so I clicked it, assuming that “My Computer” would tell me all about MY COMPUTER.

Wrong!

All sorts of things appeared, none of which made any sense at all.  I realized I should turn it off and buy an instruction book, but there was no “Off” button.  Finally, I called my niece for help.  When she said, “Click the ‘Start’ icon,” I realized that computers are very counter-intuitive and I was in big trouble.

Bill Gates, what have you done? 

The very next day I bought Windows For Dummies but it was far over my head.  I needed Windows for Idiots. My children, grandchildren and friends tried to help but they demonstrated maneuvers so quickly that I became totally lost after their second mouse click. My second trip to the computer store provided me with a new book.  Its table of contents read: “Exercise 1: ‘Start Windows’.  Exercise 2: ‘Left click, double click and right click.”  My kind of book.

With book in hand and computer on lap, I began my cyber-education. I learned to do amazing things: to start a program, to exit a program, to minimize, restore, and maximize a window, to move a window, to left-click (both single and double), to right click and to create a document.  It was wonderful!

Soon, I became confident enough to create a spreadsheet of my income tax deductions.  After three hours of intense, tooth-grinding effort I finished a task that would have taken about a half hour to do by hand.  But I had done it on the computer!  Then, I set out to save it.  I hit a wrong key and, in a nanosecond, the whole thing disappeared into the cyber-swamp, never to be seen or heard from again.

After about four months of using my obsolete laptop, I bought a fast, powerful desktop and slowly began to feel comfortable with the stupid, stiff-necked thing.

Of course, I was on the Internet and I no longer felt guilty when “You have performed an illegal operation” appeared.  “RAM,” “ROM,” “megabytes,” “gigabytes,” and “megahertz” rolled trippingly off my tongue (apologies to Mr. Shakespeare).  A, C and Zip drives were no longer mysteries. I knew that “de-frag” had nothing to do with the Vietnam War.  I knew what ‘’virus scan,”  “firewall,” and “spam killer” do.  I even become brave enough to call “Technical Support” a time or two.     

 After five years, my once-new, once-powerful, once-fast desktop had become old, weak and slow.  It had become progressively more senile day by day. It seemed that I needed a new computer. I explored buying a new Dell on the Internet.  As soon as I downloaded my choices, my computer began to perform almost up to its previous standards.  I renamed it “Hal.”

Unfortunately, it regained its quirks in a few weeks and began to add new ones almost day by day.  It refused to defrag or to scandisk. It sent more and more erroneous messages.  It even began to re-boot itself.   Consultations with computer-competent friends convinced me that Hal was in his death throes and I ordered the Dell. I added a $169 home installation and “data migration” service as well.

Why can’t computer techno-nerds speak English?  Why “data migration?”  Why not “transfer files?”  Why “reboot” when everyone understands “restart?”  Where did “modem” come from anyway?

I am writing this on Dell and Hal is in several pieces in the garage.  Dell is brighter, faster and his graphics are sharper.  He is just terrific.  I delight in his presence.  The joy of his addition has overcome the frustrations of adjusting to his arrival.  It reminds me of bringing home a new baby.